Sometimes life is not, or should not be, transactional. Hopefully, the partner you hope to be your life-long companion will be the type of person who chooses to live by many of these principles, rather than needed to be *bound* by these conditions.

I don’t know — I just don’t see this is particularly practical. If instead, this was a manifesto of individual responsibility, that both people read and internalized, and after discussion, both agreed this is how they would (individually) want to live their lives … then throw away the *agreement* and revel in the fact that you have found a kindred spirit, with all of the risks attendant to growth and transformation that might entail.

Best wishes in your endeavors,

S-

thanks for showcasing!
anne
http://www.women-drivers.com

I don’t think I mean to talk about “control” – although I do believe that true control is the giving up of control. I love stories of prisoners who while in prison finally became free – because they accepted their surroundings for the first time in their lives. And yes, it’s worth another reiteration that I’m not talking about bad, controlling behavior.

When JoAnn says “You’re not allowed to yell at me” what she’s really saying is something along the spectrum of “It’s hard for me to handle your disapproval” to “I can’t handle expressions of anger pointed at me from the person I love the most.” And if I do it enough, she won’t stick around for it. And, to be very clear, my “yelling” at JoAnn is raising my voice from a 3-out-of-10 to maybe a 5, and still communicating fairly responsibly.

On to mutuality.

I’m pretty clear that mutuality is a red herring at its best, and one of the most relationship-undermining concepts at its worst. First of all, there’s no way to tally what each partner in a relationship is doing for the other, or to keep track of it over time. Secondly, it maybe misses the point entirely. If I love the thrill I get when I bring JoAnn flowers and she squeals with delight… who is getting the gift here? If I bring her flowers every week and she never gives me flowers, does that mean we’re out of mutuality balance?*

If I love to hold the door for her, hold her chair, etc., and do all those gentlemanly things that can be fun for a person who likes to think of himself as a gentleman, am I to expect her to occasionally hold my chair? **

To each her own, of course. For example, there are people who love to be dominated (sexually and otherwise) and people who enjoy dominating. To them, mutuality is the dominator making demands and the submissive one filling them.

Of course, I believe in fairness. I just think we need to be careful where we look for that fairness. I mostly judge by my emotional bank account. If JoAnn’s making more deposits than withdrawals (and vice versa), we’re generally in great shape.

Contrast this with a prior, painful relationship. My (then) partner and I sapped each others energy; we were not loving, kind and generous with each other. With each of us constantly feeling emotionally overdrawn, things like who is doing more housework, bill paying, yard work, etc. became the only currency we had. And when we got to that low state of existence, “mutuality” (really, tit for tat) took center stage. And, from that state of mind, the other one always felt like s/he was getting the short end of the stick.

* The truth is that I don’t buy her cut flowers – hardly ever, but I would if she liked them!
** I wish I was more like the gentlemanly guy I’m describing. I’ll work on it.

I like what you’re saying about giving an acre of slack and I do understand how this fits into your concept. At the same time, I think that when there are different behavioral standards, this can become a pattern of control, and I think that needs to be clarified.

You did clarify that you do not mean allowing your partner to treat you badly, or walk all over you, etc.

Perhaps what I’m saying is that I personally truly value mutuality, and so I’m not comfortable with a partner who says he is allowed to yell but I am not or he is allowed to curse but I am not or who actually thinks he can tell me what I’m allowed to do!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks!
Denise

I saw it on a T-shirt and quoted it in my book, as by “Anonymous.” Maybe the original author will now identify herself! Or maybe it’s the kind of true sentiment that various people have come up with at different times.

And yes, it’s sure easier to choose being happy over being right when our emotional bank accounts are full and our sex life is intimate and fulfilling.