New Earth Relationships

It is increasingly clear to me that when romantic partners talk about having a “committed relationship” often neither one has any clue what the other one means by a committed relationship. To what, specifically, has each person committed, and for how long? Don’t you think it’s time we had some clarity about this?

Example 1

Setting: Oprah show

Situation: Two 15-year-olds talking about planning on having sex together

Celebrity Relationship Coach: How long do you plan on being together?

Boy: Um, we’re in high school, so, like, maybe, six months?

Girl: (frowning) Ummm. Really? Because I was thinking, like, forever? Six months? No way I’m having sex with you if that’s what you’re thinking!

Example 2

I was coaching two clients who make a great couple. They both do things that hurt the relationship, but it’s all stuff that’s easily handled, and in a few weeks of my coaching them, they’ve already made the better part of that journey. But she has an issue about his level of commitment. According to her, if they’ve been together for four years, they should stay together forever. But if they really were committed, they would get married (I’m not saying I would or they should, that’s what they expressed to me). So, until they are married, I won’t believe the full commitment is there. He’s waiting for her to be more balanced and for there to be less regularly occurring big upsets before he’s willing to propose. And indeed, if you ask her, she’ll say she’s totally committed… but then the slightest provocation that taps into her primal pain has her questioning whether she wants to be in the relationship at all!

So, with the help of some lawyer friends (some of whom are trained in Collaborative Divorce, I drafted this Commitment Manifesto which you are free to download and use. Of course, one commitment size does not fit all, but at least here is a template from which you can craft your own.

My wise friend, Lou, distinguished that this document is more a way of saying to what kind of relationship are you committed. Many of us might not even make that distinction, but just collapse the two, and I think that’s fine.

Some may prefer to think of the Commitment Manifesto as the “doing” of commitment. Perhaps the “being” of commitment is having a very high level of integrity, and being committed to doing whatever it takes to take care of your relationship. The following short form nicely collapses the being and doing parts:

“I’m committed to staying with you (indefinitely), being faithful (no romance with other partners) and honoring you and our relationship. If I do anything that is apparently outside this commitment, I’m committed to cleaning it up, restoring your trust and doing whatever I have to do to return myself to my commitment.”

I’m anxious to know your thoughts about what constitutes commitment in a relationship.

Tags: boyfriend commitment, couples coaching, couples counseling, couples relationship coaching, couples relationships, girlfriend commitment, marriage commitment, relationship commitment, transformed relationships

This two-minute animation, voiced by philosopher Alan Watts, holds a wonderful life lesson. The point it makes, quite simply yet profoundly, is that we’re not alive to get somewhere, but to fulfill the journey.  Just so, while my teachings suggest using your relationship to evolve your own consciousness – the consciousness, at each moment, is the goal.  Enjoy!

this is so much fun and so joyful, I couldn’t resist.

Thanks to Denise for inspiring this post – which is actually a promoted comment response to her thoughtful comment on Embracing Double Standards.

I don’t think I mean to talk about “control” – although I do believe that true control is the giving up of control. I love stories of prisoners who while in prison finally became free – because they accepted their surroundings for the first time in their lives. And yes, it’s worth another reiteration that I’m not talking about bad, controlling behavior.

When JoAnn says “You’re not allowed to yell at me” what she’s really saying is something along the spectrum of “It’s hard for me to handle your disapproval” to “I can’t handle expressions of anger pointed at me from the person I love the most.” And if I do it enough, she won’t stick around for it. And, to be very clear, my “yelling” at JoAnn is raising my voice from a 3-out-of-10 to maybe a 5, and still communicating fairly responsibly.

On to mutuality.

I’m pretty clear that mutuality is a red herring at its best, and one of the most relationship-undermining concepts at its worst. First of all, there’s no way to tally what each partner in a relationship is doing for the other, or to keep track of it over time. Secondly, it maybe misses the point entirely. If I love the thrill I get when I bring JoAnn flowers and she squeals with delight… who is getting the gift here? If I bring her flowers every week and she never gives me flowers, does that mean we’re out of mutuality balance?*

If I love to hold the door for her, hold her chair, etc., and do all those gentlemanly things that can be fun for a person who likes to think of himself as a gentleman, am I to expect her to occasionally hold my chair? **

To each her own, of course. For example, there are people who love to be dominated (sexually and otherwise) and people who enjoy dominating. To them, mutuality is the dominator making demands and the submissive one filling them.

Of course, I believe in fairness. I just think we need to be careful where we look for that fairness. I mostly judge by my emotional bank account. If JoAnn’s making more deposits than withdrawals (and vice versa), we’re generally in great shape.

Contrast this with a prior, painful relationship. My (then) partner and I sapped each others energy; we were not loving, kind and generous with each other. With each of us constantly feeling emotionally overdrawn, things like who is doing more housework, bill paying, yard work, etc. became the only currency we had. And when we got to that low state of existence, “mutuality” (really, tit for tat) took center stage. And, from that state of mind, the other one always felt like s/he was getting the short end of the stick.

* The truth is that I don’t buy her cut flowers – hardly ever, but I would if she liked them!
** I wish I was more like the gentlemanly guy I’m describing. I’ll work on it.

Relationships Aren’t for Everybody & What are New Earth Relationships?
(A context for what we’re discussing in this blog).

Embracing Double Standards
(The most popular post to date, and my personal favorite)

The Argument that Just Won’t Die
(How to untangle yourself from recurring arguments with your partner)

Tags: couples relationship coaching, couples relationships

(Portions of this post, and others in this blog, are from my book New Earth Relationships – A Guide for Couples in the 21st Century ©2009 William S. Weil; All rights reserved)

I once heard Werner Erhard, the personal transformation guru of the 70’s and 80’s say something like “relationships are like mountain climbing – they’re not for most people.”  That floored me.  How can relationships not be for everybody, or at least “most people?”

My ex-wife and I were convinced we had an awesome, a forever, relationship.  We wrote beautiful, deeply moving marriage vows and had a fabulous ceremony with hundreds of family members and friends present, all telling us what a wonderful couple we made.

We did have a wonderful relationship, and we knew it.  What we didn’t know is that even the best relationships are full of potholes and landmines.

We thought that since our relationship started out great, we had the “magic.”  Things would automatically stay great.  Boy, were we wrong!  We made the same mistake that countless other couples who start out with fabulous relationships make, and our relationship was tragically derailed in the first year. After 11 difficult years of trying to make it work, we divorced.

Perhaps you’ve been with the same person for a relatively short time.  Perhaps things are great.  Add some more years, kids, a mortgage, some pressures with your job, etc., temptations from other, more attractive people, and see where you are then.  I’m not saying that yours isn’t the best relationship in the world.  I’m just asking if you think you are immune to the realities that impact every couple around you.  The fact is that if you think you have a better than one-in-ten shot, you are probably kidding yourself.

People in fresh, young relationships tend to be unrealistic at best, arrogant at worst.  What are the odds that their level of happiness will last?  Ten percent? Five percent? One in a hundred?  With the divorce rate at 50% in the US, the odds just aren’t good.  And remember that the 50% who stay together aren’t necessarily passionately, ecstatically in love.  We all know people who stay together in dysfunctional, abusive, or dependent cycles and others who think any marriage is better than being alone.  A small percentage of couples who stay together are in deeply loving and passionate marriages.

It’s common for people who have been in a happy relationship for less than a year or two to think they have it figured out. Typically they do not. Instead of watering the tree that is their relationship, they are picking the fruit.  The tragedy is that at the very time when they might be developing skills to help them keep love and passion alive for the long haul, young couples are unconscious to what is, and is not, working.  When the love finally dies, they figure it was either a) inevitable, b) the other person’s fault, c) that they just grew apart, or some other explanation.  What they are left with is an explanation of why it did not work out.  This will not serve them at all in their next relationship(s).

If you are happy now, now is the time to build the skills and tools for a long-term, loving, passionate, mutually-fulfilling relationship.  If you are less than happy, then now is the time to begin to repair things.

Falling in love is one thing.  To stay in love for the long haul you have to learn how to constantly and consciously “create” your love for one another.  Sure it’s easy when you are first in love, but when that wears off, when the little things start to become big things, when you least expect it, that’s when you need a powerful habit of excellent communication to get things back on track.

The purpose of this blog, then, is to act as a kind of community to support couples in staying conscious, in helping to provide tools to enable couples to “create” their love for each other, and to be honest and open about what is and is not working.

Questions
What challenges have you overcome in your relationship?  How did you do it?  If you’ve found the secret to a many-year relationship, how do you keep love and passion alive?

Tags: couples coaching, couples counseling, couples relationships

Yesterday my childhood/lifelong friend, Gary, mentioned that he recently met Chip Taylor. Taylor was the one who penned both “Angel of the Morning” and “Wild Thing.” So we tried to figure out which one-hit-wonder made the version that was very popular when we were growing up (before Juice Newton covered it with an even more popular version). We were both so moved by the lyrics, I thought I’d include them here in homage.

(Obligatory note to make relevant to blog: I love the responsibility the singer takes, if melodramatically.)

It’s not often that lyrics stand up without the melody, but I feel like these do. Just in case, I’ve included some links to some incredible versions of the song.

There’ll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can’t bind your heart
There’s no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start
I see no need to take me home
I’m old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
Then slowly turn away…  from me

Maybe the sun’s light will be dim
And it won’t matter anyhow
If morning’s echo says we we sinned
Well, it was what I wanted now
And if we’re the victims of the night
I won’t be blinded by light

Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
Then slowly turn away
I won’t beg you to stay… with me.

The “smash hit” version Gary and I recall from childhood by Merilee Rush

P.P. Arnold followed with this version

Here’s a no-hit-wonder (I have no idea who this is – it is not Chip Taylor), whose voice  is sublime.

And here’s a link to the Juice Newton version, which I don’t love (I have a bias against singles that become monster hits more because they’re marketed well than that they added anything to the original arrangement and performance… plus I don’t like the idea of taking your first name from a beverage and your last name from a cookie – I said the same thing about singers Pop Wafers and Cuervo Ahoy).

Great 10 minute video by Eckhart Tolle on finding “the one,” tying the knot, having the love fade, and wondering what happened. Tolle presences the problem. New Earth Relationships offers a path through.

Tags: couples coaching, couples counseling, couples relationships

In preparing for the June 30, 2009 radio show about “The Argument that Just Won’t Die.” I made a list conditions that allow arguments to persist, and a summary of solutions to address each condition.

I’d love to have your feedback and additional thinking on these.  Note, I am not trying to classify what people are arguing about (guns, abortion, religion, taking out the garbage), but what’s occurring such that the argument is perpetuating.

Any one argument may have multiple conditions. Further, different conditions for a single argument may apply for different individuals (e.g., conditions A and B may be relevant for one person, while conditions B and D are relevant for her partner).

Often simple awareness is curative. If you and your partner choose a perpetual argument to dissolve, and then each clearly communicate where you experience yourself in this list, that may solve half, if not all, of the problem.

Conditions that Allow Your Argument to Perpetuate

If you have an argument that does not fit into one of these categories, I’d love to hear about it!

Tags: couples coaching, couples counseling, couples relationships

We generally consider double standards unfair.

Simple example: JoAnn can leave a mess, but if I do, I’ll hear about it. JoAnn can yell at me, but I’m not allowed to yell at her. JoAnn can talk about old boyfriends, but will get upset if I talk about old girlfriends.

The ego screams, “It’s not fair!  Why should she have different rules than I do?!”

When we are single and alone, most of us are looking for that special someone.  Someone who can be a best friend.  But also someone magical.  We don’t want an ordinary relationship; we want something more. Something truly extraordinary.

And when we find it, what will we do with that extraordinary person?  We’ll turn them into someone ordinary.

JoAnn was my dream girl. While some might prefer more of the “fairy princess” type, I go for the “bitchy, tough and cutting on the outside; sensitive, loving and intelligent on the inside” type.  Let’s focus on the “bitchy and tough” part. It’s true that I love her directness, the way she doesn’t take any crap from anyone. When she told me the story of how she repulsed, on two occasions, armed robbers, I started to swoon.

Ah! But what happens when she gets bitchy and tough with… me! Hold on a minute!  That’s a different story. Now all of a sudden I’m criticizing her for one of the very things I most love about her.

That’s stupid.

That’s what we do with our fairy princesses (and princes).  We say, “Look at her, she’s magical, beautiful, a princess!”  Then we marry the princess and want to be her equal.  And since we’re not royalty, that means pulling them down to our level.  WHAT FUN IS THAT?!?  I had a fairy princess… now I have… an equal?! How satisfying is that going to be when I see another fairy princess passing by?

Instead, I think the trick is to figure out how to keep the fairy princess a fairy princess.  And this means embracing double standards.  If she wants the groomsman to clean up after her mess, shall I do it begrudgingly?  I shall not! I’ll do it joyfully.  If she needs to yell at me to express herself, I will take it like a knight in shining armor. But yell at her, I will not!  The queen gets to admonish her subjects, not the other way around.  But the subjects get to have a queen!

(Really Important Note: I’m not talking about letting myself/yourself be walked on and mistreated.  I’m not talking about letting your partner treat you like dirt.  I’m talking about being really, really generous with your partner.  I’m talking about letting your partner say what s/he needs to say before you express yourself.  I’m talking about cutting your partner an acre of slack.  I’m talking about stopping trying to find fault, and instead finding… whatever the opposite of “fault” is.  Find blessings, perfection, etc. And there you’ll find your prince or princess.)

So, I’m going on record.  No more resisting double standards for me. I’m going to treat JoAnn like a princess, like my queen (I mostly do already). I’m going to clean up after her (I already do and she’s not messy anyway). I’m going to let her yell at me (she doesn’t do that often), I’m going to let her talk about old boyfriends without feeling like I need to talk about old girlfriends. I’m going to let her admonish me for not calling her several times throughout the day, without ever admonishing her for not calling back.

Double standards usually are not what they seem, anyway.  We each have different needs. We’re good at different things. We do different things for each other.  It would be impossible to try to calculate who is doing more – and a loser’s calculation at that.  If you want to keep track of something, keep track of how many times you caught your partner doing something right.  Keep track of everything you love about your partner, of everything for which you’re grateful about your relationship.

I used to love to play tackle football with my friends in junior high school. I rarely cared about which team won. I just loved smashing into other guys, going all out and leaving it all on the field.  Limping off, aching everywhere, wasn’t something you complained about – it was a badge. As long as you didn’t break anything, the more you hurt, the more you knew you went all out – and you were proud of that.

Just so, I don’t worry about coming out of each interaction with JoAnn unscathed.  I want to give her everything I’ve got without concern for minor aches and bruises. I want to be the knight, fresh from battle, banged up but still whole, gazing into the adoring eyes of my princess who says, “You have fared well, good knight. We are most grateful to you.  Now come inside and we shall feast.”

Tags: couples coaching, couples counseling, couples relationship coaching, couples relationships, relationship advice, relationship help